Because we are all mostly creatures of habit, certain things happen in life which send us into reactionary mode. Whether that may be reflective of a person, an event or a group of people, making a choice to be angry can be very easy for us to select. Now, in saying that, I know there are some who may say, “What do you mean Bob I chose to be angry, what he/she said made me angry”? Well, no one makes us do anything that we do not allow. Somehow we forget about that and we put others in charge of our feelings. I am aware of the resistance to this issue, however with a new and different focus, a new mindshift can happen.
There is a lot to be said about emotions choosing us, as we do not choose them. This is especially true when it comes to either intense, overwhelming, sudden grief regarding a traumatic event OR to feel a wave of joy and warmth witnessing a very pleasurable situation.
When going through grief, emotions are very real and common, as it relates to one’s own experience.There can be many factors of a situation which usually determines what grief pattern you may feel: the age and manner of death; the relationship you had with the deceased; your spirituality and God; past experiences with grief; your personality makeup; your focusing ability; avenues of support available and a host of others. These just give you an overview of how no one can accurately judge or instruct someone on how to grieve.
The anger people have, when grief suddenly appears, can have an adverse effect on one’s healing. Whether the anger is directed at the deceased, the event, others, self, etc., a grievers anger can be all consuming. Anger is a feeling and okay to feel. Even though there are justifiable times to be angry, deep seated hatred and resentments can physiologically attack one’s immune system. Anger becomes a learned reaction and as a newly bereaved person, experiencing unhealthy grief can generate disastrous results, the longer you continue down this path. Finding a way to settle these scores can create new beginnings of acceptance and forgiveness. Both of these become gifts you give to yourself first and then to others. It may be easier said than done, understood, however all situations have endings and beginnings. Once you can let go of your anger, you make room for new growth and change to take place-i.e. peace, joy, contentment, love etc.
Having to go through grief is tough enough on everyone, without piling anger and other hurtful reactions on top of it.
Deaths-all types, physical and symbolic have something to teach us. We just need to sit at the feet of our life experiences and be taught by it.
When grief enters our life, especially when we have never experienced it before, it has a tendency to control our life. By educating ourselves about this topic will help to create new ways of behaving in life and with others.
Handling grief no matter how much we intellectually understand it, can and will impact us emotionally. The pain we feel and the emotions we display can overtake us in some way. Who would think that in grief, one would forget to drink water and then become dehydrated, landing them in the hospital. Forgetting to stay properly nourished, following a healthy diet, has been a problem and so has been remembering to take medications in a responsible fashion.
When grief falls on our doorstep there is another very significant reaction people have and that is denial. This is the most troublesome part of grief as it signify’s how easy it is to become stuck or frozen in time. As long as you do not acknowledge your grief, you can pretend it didn’t happen. Unfortunately our bodies do not go along with this line of thinking, because internally, where you may not let your thoughts go to, physiologically we can, do and will come down with illnesses. Even when we are not consciously thinking of these things, we unconsciously are very busy processing this event feverishly. As soon as you can begin to admit this has happened, acknowledging the death does not mean you have to accept it. Let this be a process of growth for yourself, as you go through stages, getting to acceptance. That may be in question also, however your grief belongs to YOU.
Take your time to learn all about what grieving is about, so to effectively give you the best chance of handling all aspects of this on the front end. This way you will not have to wait for possibly years down the road, to have it come roaring in and take you by surprise.
Nothing about handling grief says you MUST do this, however, there are as many moving parts to this which requires the line of thinking that it is necessary to look at and consider.
On any level of grief you may be experiencing, please know my heart rides with you. I would sure feel honored to work with you on finding your way through this emotional maze. Please feel free to be in touch.
Pay attention to your emotions
“Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions…. It’s time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it.”
– Doc Childre
Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.
But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don’t last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.
The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.
“By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it.”
– Joseph Collins
Jane
