Archive for the ‘Dealing with Death’ Category
One of life’s cruelest situations to have to come to terms with is that of a death of a child. If anything eveer seems to go against natures grain it would be this. A life situation going backwards when a child to precedes their parents in death. One day a vibrant, carefree, spirited and fun loving person and the next day gone. Now this has to deal with sudden death, however, whether sudden or a prolonged illness before the death, either way, parents die a thousand times with their remembrances during their grief.
Life becomes an absolute blur in many ways. One parent has explained it as, “taking a hiatus away from life”.
All of the well meaning statements of support grieving families receive from family and friends, seem to fall on deaf ears. “Time heals”-no time just passes and goes by. “Someday you will get over this”, no, this is not something you get over as much as it is learning how to live without my child now.
Two of the toughest days in the year to work through are Mothers Day and the child’s birthday. This just creates more pain, grief and angst. Many times the replaying of the scenes in a hospital, or the scene of an accident, just play over and over in the parents mind like a nightmare movie. Everyone will grieve the child’s loss in their own way. Whichever mode of grief people select, it has to be right for them, no matter how much we may disagree.
Regardless of the nature of the death, guilt is usually a prevailing irritant and a block to successful grieving. A child who dies of cancer will have the parents looking for something during pregnancy or what they fed their child to take the blame. Eventually with an effective approach to their grief, a number of these issues will become easier to come to grips with. People back away from their church community, family, friends, even the graveside itself.
All of the material ever written on this subject could never stipulate a one size fits all approach as how to heal with the loss of a child. To understand that this type of death makes no sense, attempting to make sense out of a senseless situation is totally fruitless. It only exacerbates the grief and prolongs it. Seeking a formula or some strategy for grief can be found in support groups where others are putting their life back together to create a new way of functioning, now without their child. This can be accomplished with work, although it will be one roller coaster ride of emotions. As and when you begin your walk of grief on this journey, take in as much intellectual information which will help you deal with the sometimes uncontrollable flood of emotions.
Know that with the right support and people helping you through it you can survive this and move healthily into a new way of living.
Grief and Fatigue
Have you ever felt the complete exhaustion while in the midst of going through grief? Any situation you may have to go through where grief is associated with it, you can become very unmotivated and very lethargic. Many who have never experienced this will offer all types of suggestions and remedies about how to kick this so you can get back to being the “you” before this entered your life. Problem is, the possibility of you changing for good is quite high as each death experience we have changes who we become. Our whole system is wracked with pain, hurt, sometimes anger, shock, denial, disbelief—quite a wide variety of emotions.
The very fatigue we are referring to can be brought about as a result of situations other than a physical death. Some of these can be moving away from family, a favorite neighborhood, divorce, receiving a pink slip from your job, job relocation, etc.-all of the aforementioned plus many more. Sometimes we can feel like our heart has been ripped from our chests.
What we can do to protect ourselves is recognize this is a phase we need to go through and affirm the fact” I can and will survive this”. Know that your grief is on its own time table, not yours and it will require more energy for you to go through this than you can imagine. There are many things both symbolic and tangible you will grieve for, not just only the death itself.
Something else to get in touch with will be all of the feelings you will have in regards to the realizations of the dream, hopes, wishes and expectations you had for the person you lost. All of your unmet needs now coming into focus will be affected and will have an adverse reaction on the very energy it takes to go through grief. All of this is so paramount in your search for meaning and may place into question your religion or the very philosophy of life that you hold so true.
Grief is not a constant because if it were it could overtake us. As you feel these waves wash over you, remember—you will survive all of this and get on the other side of grieving which will bring the opportunity for growth. Look for this and set your sights on moving forward.
Have you ever experienced what we as a society refer to as normal deaths? Medical problems, car crashes, homicides, accidents etc? When someone dies of a result of these, there is a very visceral reaction as we lose people to sudden deaths. It is a shock to our system, yes, however we can generally have a focus for our anxiety, anger, possibly hatred because a loved one has been taken from us.
Now we will unexpectedly get the news a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker or immediate family member takes their own life and what are we supposed to do with all of these emotions we are now confronted with? You immediately become a member of a club you wouldn’t have otherwise joined, that being a suicide survivors group. You now will be faced with searching out the why’s, if only’s, who, what, where, when particulars of this individuals death.
As lonely and individual as working through grief is, a suicide death leaves you in a completely different zone to heal in. To have experienced multiple suicides in your life
does not necessarily steel you against the loss of another because we care so deeply about people in our lives.
Survivors begin to feel different early on because of guilt, responsibility, dependability, control, avoidance, manipulation—all issues which are part and parcel remnants after a loss to suicide.
As a now suicide survivor you will become different as the shock to your system is very telling. We look to determine what our focus is going to be centered on to begin understanding the nature of the loss. Many people are affected by guilt because they believe with all of their being they “should have” seen it coming. Guess what? Other survivor’s who knew their loved one was struggling and thought this might happen, saw it coming and they still felt guilty for not having been able to stop it. Some do, however only temporarily. You begin to hear information about depression, brain chemical imbalance, neurotransmitters and other medical related jargon. Bottom line, you just want them back.
Seeking out specific help to begin resolving a suicide death is very important because of the language survivors use to heal their grief. Awareness, education, new consciousness of terms and phrases—died of suicide not committed; unintentional ignorance—other’s responses and reactions to you which now are different yet they know not what they are doing to you; walking wounded-having to function like nothing happened; silent grief and delayed grief-not wanting to share with others because they haven’t had your experience and intentionally or unintentionally burying your grief until such a time when you decide to deal with it or it decides to deal with you. Many times emotions pick us—we do not pick them. These are just a drop in the bucket of the different terminology used to begin healing after a loss to suicide.
Can grief be complicated after a suicide? Yes! So many survivors suffer alone and in silence because of the few avenues of support and services which are available.
PLEASE know with work and assistance from others you can work past this because you owe to yourself first to heal from this trauma and fully reengage life and others again. Many, many people have done this work and please know you are able to do it to.
