Archive for the ‘Dealing With Grieving People’ Category
grief
One of the many aftershocks of grief comes when a couple have finalized their divorce papers. Whether you filed or the other person, the fact that the marriage as you knew it is now history. Yes, generally the more intense grief will belong to the party who did not want the divorce.
Everyone does have an emotional side to them (I believe some women will disagree with this about men) but feelings have a hard time escaping us. We tend to outrun them but when we slow down we see that they are just two steps in back of us. To insinuate that we just did not care like we “should” have is no explanation at all.
To confront our feelings no matter what they are, will help to keep all of us grounded in truth. Just to admit that we may have some grief from a failed marriage, which each of you had a part in building, only helps to allow both parties to continue on in life, wishing each other well. Aren’t we human enough to at least grant them this?
If indeed there were children involved they are going to have some real heavily laden grief feelings about this division. Unfortunately they have the unique way of coming up with the personal responsibility of having caused the divorce. If they just would not have asked for that new bike Mom and, Dad would not be arguing about money. If the paint they spilled staining the carpet would not have happened Mom and Dad would not have argued so much causing them to split up. They do posses the absolute unique ability to figure out how because of something they did or said their parents are not together anymore. Work things out the best you can so the unfinished business left behind isn’t given to the children to resolve.
With today’s divorce rate being upwards towards 50-60 % that means there are a lot of folks doing their best to hold the fabric of what is left of their family together. At the expense of the feelings of everyone concerned, we want to inoculate everyone from the feelings of “not enough—not worth enough, not valued enough, not thought about enough or not considered enough. That is just a blip on the radar of a few things humans can come up with yet there are so many more.
Divorce is difficult and it can be ugly. Everyone involved will put together another life after wards but just do your best to finish what was started, giving all concerned the best and cleanest start in moving forward in their life. Any questions loved ones have to help ease them with the grief for moving forward will help tremendously.
I realize this is just a thumbnail sketch of an otherwise very complicated situation. Anything we can do to address some very obvious pointers will help all involved grieve accordingly and effectively.
What do we say to ones struggling with the loss and grief of a loved one? As different as most of us are, as evidenced by our fingerprints, there is nothing magical or anything instantly which can be said to help one now immersed in grief over a loss. However–we as humans believe we can come up with thoughtful one liners to help eradicate their intense feelings of loss. Exaample:A loved one watching a family member struggle medically before they die. People will say,”At least you didn’t have to watch them struggle in pain anymore”. Sounds okay however as much as that is a true and well meaning statement, people mourning would prefer to still have them here, regardless of their condition. The finality of the death is quite a shock and their feelings are quite bruised.
Another example being a family losing a child in a drowning accident, they will hear that at least there are still 2 children they have left. THAT is not helpful at all. Those are just a couple of examples of the many horror stories families struggle with but can never feel worthy enough to reply to someone’s well intentioned but misguided comments.
Generally, showing up in front of one grieving with a warm hug of friendly reassurance or a statement like, “There are no words but I wanted to tell you I am here to support you”. These go far to truly help the feelings of grievers.
Some folks who you might know will seem to experience more than their share of losses. Having more appropriate responses ups the percentage of maintaining healthy friendships. Never do we want to be tagged with labels as “Mr Fix it” (usually males who look to circumvent grief) or “Miss neighborhood gossip queen”. After 22+ years in weekly meetings, hearing folks talk and share about their grief experiences, you can only imagine the vast amount of stories people have told.
This topic was important enough to address to shine such a bright light on what really needs attention drawn to. Reason being that we share a phrase with our group members and that is, “Unintentional Ignorance”. We describe this as folks who have good intentions of saying something helpful, however it lands in the ears of grievers very harshly. It is never said intentionally however what does happen is grievers intentionally avoid those folks so as to protect themselves from hearing anymore negatives. Some folks drone on hoping to have said something profound to help and ends up hindering the situation. People basically want to help–that is a given. HOWEVER- people who are thrust into a death and loss situation are just doing their best to maintain some degree of sanity. Believe me–they hear you, they just do not have “the response” or the energy to say in the moment what they feel. In order for us to truly get it, we would have to experience the exact trauma they are having to deal with.
We are not taught any of this in school so to sharpen our skills of grief responses we have to seek this out purposely or learn from a grief survivor.
I wish you success in acquiring this new and different language.
When encountering a grief filled situation, the hurt and pain we feel is very encompassing. We wake up with it and we go to sleep wth it. It permeates all of our lives. Some of us acknowledge this real time as we are going through it and some do their best to run, hide, deny and avoid the very obvious. Everyone has their own way of handling grief and as much as we may not agree with choices others make to “deal” with it, we must stay focused on our own needs.
The pain we feel can be emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual etc. We can feel these one at a time or all at once. Grief has no time clock nor a actual schedule we can count on.
Another way to look at coping with pain during grief is we use it like a shield to keep others and life at arms length. We only want so much to deal with at a time and we do believe we can control these situations when presented. We will change who we are with grief encounters and most people do not understand that. We become a victim of our own experience and that can threaten the very comfort zones we feel safe in. There can also be drama associated with victimization. Every grief experience will afford us the ability to relive other situations, however we do learn about ourselves in going through these periods of life struggles. We also can learn how to help others during this time by giving of our self. When we look to help others with their pain and associated depression, it helps us to diminish our own. It is still there, however we cannot help but to help ourselves when we reach out to others in this most difficult time.
Using our own pain in grief to channel in other directions will help our own mind and heart recuperate. This reaffirms to us a sense of strength and self worth we can begin feeling better knowing we stood strong against this and did not defeat you. Remember–we need to feel it before we can heal it.
Good luck to you in your grief journey. For professional help along the way click here.
