Understanding Grief Cycles http://www.griefcycle.com How to Heal Over Time Wed, 10 Nov 2010 16:00:51 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.2 http://www.griefcycle.com http://icons.iconarchive.com/icons/icons-land/vista-style-emoticons/Cry-icon.jpg Understanding Grief Cycles Grief -What to Do With it?? http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-grieving-people/grief-what-to-do-with-it/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-grieving-people/grief-what-to-do-with-it/#comments Fri, 24 Sep 2010 22:48:31 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=110 When we encounter grief as a result of a life situation, how many of us have been given a “road map” so to speak to be able to navigate our way through it effectively?

I ask this question because of having learned about grief over 23 years ago. I was so ill equipped to handle the death of a family’s 17 year old granddaughter who I was very good friends with. What added insult to injury was the fact she had taken her own life. That in itself complicated this new sense of grief that now had become my biggest nemesis.

When initially confronted by a grief experience, we learn quickly that whatever we hold true about being in control of our lives can be instantly shattered. All of these raw emotions begin to overtake us and unless we have been sufficiently been role modeled as to how we express this new pain, unfortunately we have a strong tendency to “act things out.”

When grief first enters our life, pushing it aside, down, away etc. are all options chosen by many, however to let it in and learn from it can become such a gift in a round about way.

Feeling grief emotions can only bring truth, openness and reality to what you are going through. We learn how to bend, realizing we will never break. We discover tears are an opportunity to release built up toxins and we feel better afterwards. We give of our self to others to help support them also in their time of need. Going through this we find folks to share our feelings with to help carry our load. Sharing our concerns for others only helps us to nurture our own self at such a time with what we are experiencing.

Remember–emotions choose us at these sensitive times, we do not choose them. Also–we all have heard about the varied stages of grief which are all possibilities we may encounter. Reality says we are all as different as our fingerprints as we will be in handling our grief. Just know that grief is not constant because if it were it would kill us. There is not a schedule that you and grief are on. When it appears, do your best not to fight it. Let this toxic, poison out and do not let it fester down deep inside.

We are not on any time table to go through grief or there is a norm to measure up against. The time you are going through will help to heal you. Take extra special care of yourself at this time and allow others to help shoulder your load.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-grieving-people/grief-what-to-do-with-it/feed/ 0 Grief and Anger http://www.griefcycle.com/feelings-and-emotions/grief-and-anger/ http://www.griefcycle.com/feelings-and-emotions/grief-and-anger/#comments Mon, 12 Apr 2010 02:54:23 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=105 Because we are all mostly creatures of habit, certain things happen in life which send us into reactionary mode. Whether that may be reflective of a person, an event or a group of people, making a choice to be angry can be very easy for us to select. Now, in saying that, I know there are some who may say, “What do you mean Bob I chose to be angry, what he/she said made me angry”? Well, no one makes us do anything that we do not allow. Somehow we forget about that and we put others in charge of our feelings. I am aware of the resistance to this issue, however with a new and different focus, a new mindshift can happen.
There is a lot to be said about emotions choosing us, as we do not choose them. This is especially true when it comes to either intense, overwhelming, sudden grief regarding a traumatic event OR to feel a wave of joy and warmth witnessing a very pleasurable situation.
When going through grief, emotions are very real and common, as it relates to one’s own experience.There can be many factors of a situation which usually determines what grief pattern you may feel: the age and manner of death; the relationship you had with the deceased; your spirituality and God; past experiences with grief; your personality makeup; your focusing ability; avenues of support available and a host of others. These just give you an overview of how no one can accurately judge or instruct someone on how to grieve.
The anger people have, when grief suddenly appears, can have an adverse effect on one’s healing. Whether the anger is directed at the deceased, the event, others, self, etc., a grievers anger can be all consuming. Anger is a feeling and okay to feel. Even though there are justifiable times to be angry, deep seated hatred and resentments can physiologically attack one’s immune system. Anger becomes a learned reaction and as a newly bereaved person, experiencing unhealthy grief can generate disastrous results, the longer you continue down this path. Finding a way to settle these scores can create new beginnings of acceptance and forgiveness. Both of these become gifts you give to yourself first and then to others. It may be easier said than done, understood, however all situations have endings and beginnings. Once you can let go of your anger, you make room for new growth and change to take place-i.e. peace, joy, contentment, love etc.
Having to go through grief is tough enough on everyone, without piling anger and other hurtful reactions on top of it.
Deaths-all types, physical and symbolic have something to teach us. We just need to sit at the feet of our life experiences and be taught by it.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/feelings-and-emotions/grief-and-anger/feed/ 0 Grief and Denial http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-and-denial/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-and-denial/#comments Sun, 04 Apr 2010 21:19:36 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=103 When grief enters our life, especially when we have never experienced it before, it has a tendency to control our life. By educating ourselves about this topic will help to create new ways of behaving in life and with others.

Handling grief no matter how much we intellectually understand it, can and will impact us emotionally. The pain we feel and the emotions we display can overtake us in some way. Who would think that in grief, one would forget to drink water and then become dehydrated, landing them in the hospital. Forgetting to stay properly nourished, following a healthy diet, has been a problem and so has been remembering to take medications in a responsible fashion.

When grief falls on our doorstep there is another very significant reaction people have and that is denial. This is the most troublesome part of grief as it signify’s how easy it is to become stuck or frozen in time. As long as you do not acknowledge your grief, you can pretend it didn’t happen. Unfortunately our bodies do not go along with this line of thinking, because internally, where you may not let your thoughts go to, physiologically we can, do and will come down with illnesses. Even when we are not consciously thinking of these things, we unconsciously are very busy processing this event feverishly. As soon as you can begin to admit this has happened, acknowledging the death does not mean you have to accept it. Let this be a process of growth for yourself, as you go through stages, getting to acceptance. That may be in question also, however your grief belongs to YOU.

Take your time to learn all about what grieving is about, so to effectively give you the best chance of handling all aspects of this on the front end. This way you will not have to wait for possibly years down the road, to have it come roaring in and take you by surprise.

Nothing about handling grief says you MUST do this, however, there are as many moving parts to this which requires the line of thinking that it is necessary to look at and consider.

On any level of grief you may be experiencing, please know my heart rides with you. I would sure feel honored to work with you on finding your way through this emotional maze. Please feel free to be in touch.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-and-denial/feed/ 0 Let’s look at Emotions http://www.griefcycle.com/feelings-and-emotions/lets-look-at-emotions/ http://www.griefcycle.com/feelings-and-emotions/lets-look-at-emotions/#comments Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:24:15 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=101 Pay attention to your emotions

“Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions…. It’s time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it.”

– Doc Childre

Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.

But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don’t last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.

The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.

“By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it.”

– Joseph Collins

Jane

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/feelings-and-emotions/lets-look-at-emotions/feed/ 0 Grief and Disbelief http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-and-disbelief/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-and-disbelief/#comments Sat, 28 Nov 2009 05:53:54 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=99 When one is confronted with a grief situation, more times than not they will have a host of emotions come flooding in. When in conversation they will generally say that, “I just cannot believe they are gone”.

The initial shock of what has taken place can and is that overwhelming. There is so much information to process at the time of the death that we emotionally put up a wall to protect ourselves. We want and need to control what all information we let in. It is paramount to controlling the dosage of suffering we are going to go through.

When a tragic event occurs and the normal stages of grief ensue, denial and/or disbelief is the first one to go through. The first and obvious question people have is “why”? Many people can answer that with their own interpretation of the death however the grief survivor will eventually come to their own conclusion in answering that question.

Repetitious learning can usually be of great significance. Continually asking the why question is a good example of this. It needs to be done and exhausted so as to be able to move on and through other stages without getting stuck. Even though that “why” question is capable of eating you up inside, it needs to be continually asked. As surreal and unbelievable as many grief filled situations can be, people will want to know on their own timetable mind you, what truly happened and what is going on. They will only want and trust very reliable sources be it media, law enforcement, grief counselors or friends/family. Coping during grief is tough enough without adding bogus information to the mix.

In reference to the question about disbelief and does it ever go away? Time and work helps to diminish this however by living through the loss helps you to come to grips with your life without this person now.

Referring to the” wall” people put up helps to give purpose to your disbelief. To feel all of this at once can be extremely detrimental so you take it in incrementally so as to not hurt so much. Shock is a great magic carpet for awhile however when that wears off reality hurts. Yes—by consciously stating, “I know this will not always affect me like this” is helpful, emotionally we never know when a feeling of disbelief will wash over us. It slowly fades but know it is possible to be with you for the rest of your life.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-and-disbelief/feed/ 0 Grief and The Holidays http://www.griefcycle.com/holiday-grieving/grief-and-the-holidays/ http://www.griefcycle.com/holiday-grieving/grief-and-the-holidays/#comments Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:32:08 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=84

One of the many hurdles grieving people have to contend with is that of the holiday season. For many, during November they would just as soon spin the calendar forward to January and do the express lane of holiday grief. It seems as though unless you barricade yourself in a basement for two months, there is no escaping all of the good cheer that abounds.
Holidays like most other aspects of life have changed for always. As a person going through grief, just the thought of enjoying themselves at a holiday gathering is the farthest thing from their life. Guilt, shame, blame, loss, pain, anxiety fear—these all replace the fun, joy, excitement expectations, happiness which holidays generally bring.
Planning ahead before holidays arrive seem to be the best defense against feeling the effects of getting overwhelmed. Making a plan to remember, to feel and to include the memory of your loved one during family gatherings is most paramount to create a new way of “holidaying.”
Yes—family and friend functions are forever changed yet somehow we manage to create new memories and different traditions while possibly restoring some old.
One of the main focus grievers have found in coming back from grief’s edge is to always remember the loved one who has passed. Speak of their name and the memories made while they were here. Embrace the history made so as to keep bringing them along in life.
The main ingredient in going through grief is to become very expressive and respectful of your feelings. Learning how to manage them, embrace them however do not attempt to control or repress them will help tremendously during the holiday season. Glad sad, happy or blue, whatever you feel will always be honoring you.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/holiday-grieving/grief-and-the-holidays/feed/ 0 Grieving and Receiving http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-grieving-people/grieving-and-receiving/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-grieving-people/grieving-and-receiving/#comments Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:54:02 +0000 bob http://www.griefcycle.com/?p=81

During a time of going through grief, how much do each of us really know of how to help another human being or be aware of what we need to do for our self?Having to learn about grief by being thrown into a situation is no gift to anyone. To learn about grief without experiencing it first hand will generally keep you from totally understanding what grief “feels” like.

I would say to understand grievers is to acknowledge that some change has come about in their life. They are doing the best they can to acknowledge this change and coming to grips with this new reality, as sad as it is. What we end up giving to grievers is the best of what we know at the moment. Can we lean more to do more? Absolutely! Without enough accurate insight into grief there are going to be things said which will land on deaf ears. Here are some very ineffective comments which have been spoken to people in grief: I know how you feel—we don’t. He/she is in a better place—they’re not. It’s God’s will. You’ll get over this, don’t worry. Get control your life. Don’t cry. You shouldn’t feel that way. You’re young, you’ll find someone else. You’re really lucky, it could have been worse. It couldn’t be that bad. Why aren’t you beyond this by now?

These are all deal breakers as far as getting into better relationship with the griever.
Grieving is and can be terribly lonely as it becomes a new stark reality of a different life. Grievers need all of the support they can muster as they are not the same person nor will they ever be. Using that as a beginning point of understanding the type of change we are referring to, everything now is subject to new discussions. Being a willing participant in these new conversations can align the griever with the support person immeasurably.

Sometimes there are just no words in the dictionary which can describe the intensity of the pain grief can create. Having never had an experience like this doesn’t mean you cannot help support one who has. Just be willing to listen, listen and listen some more. Know that you cannot fix this for anyone.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-grieving-people/grieving-and-receiving/feed/ 0 Grief With The Loss of a Child http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-with-the-loss-of-a-child/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-with-the-loss-of-a-child/#comments Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:51:48 +0000 bob http://griefcycle.com/?p=56 One of life’s cruelest situations to have to come to terms with is that of a death of a child. If anything eveer seems to go against natures grain it would be this. A life situation going backwards when a child to precedes their parents in death. One day a vibrant, carefree, spirited and fun loving person and the next day gone. Now this has to deal with sudden death, however, whether sudden or a prolonged illness before the death, either way, parents die a thousand times with their remembrances during their grief.
Life becomes an absolute blur in many ways. One parent has explained it as, “taking a hiatus away from life”.
All of the well meaning statements of support grieving families receive from family and friends, seem to fall on deaf ears. “Time heals”-no time just passes and goes by. “Someday you will get over this”, no, this is not something you get over as much as it is learning how to live without my child now.
Two of the toughest days in the year to work through are Mothers Day and the child’s birthday. This just creates more pain, grief and angst. Many times the replaying of the scenes in a hospital, or the scene of an accident, just play over and over in the parents mind like a nightmare movie. Everyone will grieve the child’s loss in their own way. Whichever mode of grief people select, it has to be right for them, no matter how much we may disagree.
Regardless of the nature of the death, guilt is usually a prevailing irritant and a block to successful grieving. A child who dies of cancer will have the parents looking for something during pregnancy or what they fed their child to take the blame. Eventually with an effective approach to their grief, a number of these issues will become easier to come to grips with. People back away from their church community, family, friends, even the graveside itself.
All of the material ever written on this subject could never stipulate a one size fits all approach as how to heal with the loss of a child. To understand that this type of death makes no sense, attempting to make sense out of a senseless situation is totally fruitless. It only exacerbates the grief and prolongs it. Seeking a formula or some strategy for grief can be found in support groups where others are putting their life back together to create a new way of functioning, now without their child. This can be accomplished with work, although it will be one roller coaster ride of emotions. As and when you begin your walk of grief on this journey, take in as much intellectual information which will help you deal with the sometimes uncontrollable flood of emotions.
Know that with the right support and people helping you through it you can survive this and move healthily into a new way of living.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-with-the-loss-of-a-child/feed/ 0 Depression–What Is It All About? http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-depression/depression-what-is-it-all-about/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-depression/depression-what-is-it-all-about/#comments Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:49:09 +0000 bob http://griefcycle.com/?p=52 Are you aware that there are thousands of articles written on this subject? I am sure that adding one more won’t hurt a bit. One other thing to make sure we address is that I do have the last word on anything, yet we can all benefit by learning more about this topic.
Major depression is a brain disease affecting this organ of the body. It is the headquarters, the think tank and control center which will and can have a direct impact on what we think, emotions we have and then instructing us on what to do. Anyone affected by this can have bitter feelings about that, especially getting into conflict with their loved ones. The blue moods, mood swings and general overall behavior can be difficult to be around them and the first thing we have a tendency to do is to forget to bring empathy to these situations.
Generally a combination of medicine and counseling is needed to work through whatever is helping to create the depression being felt. Being deliberate about taking meds helps to alleviate the tense situations which can arise. Depression can also be a genetic link to other members of their family as well. Some people will choose to mask this and cover it up so as to not let people become aware of their condition, for fear of the labeling and judgmental attitude which can be perpetrated by others.
This is just a quick snapshot of the more intense part of people living with depression. There is so much for all of us to learn to bring more attention to this issue.
Clinical depression is often referred to when thinking, behavior, medicine, continuing mood swings, become part of one’s daily routine. From 10-12 million people\suffer from this and is not something they did to deserve or would choose to have. This is similar to a liver condition or heart condition which can happen for no particular reason. We may refer to this as an illness but is never to be considered a weakness. Ironically it takes a considerable amount of strength to bear up under the pressure of what a depressive illness can bring about. They cannot just “snap out of it” like most people may suggest. A more positive and helpful way to refer to someone is “having depression” as opposed to being depressed. Too many times this can lead to thoughts and feelings of suicide, also eventually “dying” of suicide.
A question to ponder is, why is it that some folks attempt suicide who are going through a very tough life struggle when others who are faced with the same dilemma work their way through it okay? What makes them more able to find a healthier resolve when some can only come up with a plan for dying?
Becoming aware of symptoms, which there are many and too numerous to list, and having a caring attitude can help support the larger percentage of people affected by this condition. We can suggest more proper avenues for treatment and help them move beyond this.
There is a larger approach we all can bring to this subject and that is to release all judgments, becoming more proactive about getting involved. That means to remain calm with a concerned approach, which signals to them that they can confide in you, no matter what. There is a stigma connected with depression that folks will go to the limits to hide this and we have to help make that right for them. Just think if we or a family member of ours had this same condition to have to live with.
John Lennon said it best, “The love you take is equal to the love you make”.

]]> http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-depression/depression-what-is-it-all-about/feed/ 0 Grief and Fatigue http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-andfatigue/ http://www.griefcycle.com/dealing-with-death/grief-andfatigue/#comments Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:45:29 +0000 bob http://griefcycle.com/?p=41 Grief and Fatigue

Have you ever felt the complete exhaustion while in the midst of going through grief? Any situation you may have to go through where grief is associated with it, you can become very unmotivated and very lethargic. Many who have never experienced this will offer all types of suggestions and remedies about how to kick this so you can get back to being the “you” before this entered your life. Problem is, the possibility of you changing for good is quite high as each death experience we have changes who we become. Our whole system is wracked with pain, hurt, sometimes anger, shock, denial, disbelief—quite a wide variety of emotions.

The very fatigue we are referring to can be brought about as a result of situations other than a physical death. Some of these can be moving away from family, a favorite neighborhood, divorce, receiving a pink slip from your job, job relocation, etc.-all of the aforementioned plus many more. Sometimes we can feel like our heart has been ripped from our chests.

What we can do to protect ourselves is recognize this is a phase we need to go through and affirm the fact” I can and will survive this”. Know that your grief is on its own time table, not yours and it will require more energy for you to go through this than you can imagine. There are many things both symbolic and tangible you will grieve for, not just only the death itself.

Something else to get in touch with will be all of the feelings you will have in regards to the realizations of the dream, hopes, wishes and expectations you had for the person you lost. All of your unmet needs now coming into focus will be affected and will have an adverse reaction on the very energy it takes to go through grief. All of this is so paramount in your search for meaning and may place into question your religion or the very philosophy of life that you hold so true.

Grief is not a constant because if it were it could overtake us. As you feel these waves wash over you, remember—you will survive all of this and get on the other side of grieving which will bring the opportunity for growth. Look for this and set your sights on moving forward.

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