During a time of going through grief, how much do each of us really know of how to help another human being or be aware of what we need to do for our self?Having to learn about grief by being thrown into a situation is no gift to anyone. To learn about grief without experiencing it first hand will generally keep you from totally understanding what grief “feels” like.
I would say to understand grievers is to acknowledge that some change has come about in their life. They are doing the best they can to acknowledge this change and coming to grips with this new reality, as sad as it is. What we end up giving to grievers is the best of what we know at the moment. Can we lean more to do more? Absolutely! Without enough accurate insight into grief there are going to be things said which will land on deaf ears. Here are some very ineffective comments which have been spoken to people in grief: I know how you feel—we don’t. He/she is in a better place—they’re not. It’s God’s will. You’ll get over this, don’t worry. Get control your life. Don’t cry. You shouldn’t feel that way. You’re young, you’ll find someone else. You’re really lucky, it could have been worse. It couldn’t be that bad. Why aren’t you beyond this by now?
These are all deal breakers as far as getting into better relationship with the griever.
Grieving is and can be terribly lonely as it becomes a new stark reality of a different life. Grievers need all of the support they can muster as they are not the same person nor will they ever be. Using that as a beginning point of understanding the type of change we are referring to, everything now is subject to new discussions. Being a willing participant in these new conversations can align the griever with the support person immeasurably.
Sometimes there are just no words in the dictionary which can describe the intensity of the pain grief can create. Having never had an experience like this doesn’t mean you cannot help support one who has. Just be willing to listen, listen and listen some more. Know that you cannot fix this for anyone.
One of life’s cruelest situations to have to come to terms with is that of a death of a child. If anything eveer seems to go against natures grain it would be this. A life situation going backwards when a child to precedes their parents in death. One day a vibrant, carefree, spirited and fun loving person and the next day gone. Now this has to deal with sudden death, however, whether sudden or a prolonged illness before the death, either way, parents die a thousand times with their remembrances during their grief.
Life becomes an absolute blur in many ways. One parent has explained it as, “taking a hiatus away from life”.
All of the well meaning statements of support grieving families receive from family and friends, seem to fall on deaf ears. “Time heals”-no time just passes and goes by. “Someday you will get over this”, no, this is not something you get over as much as it is learning how to live without my child now.
Two of the toughest days in the year to work through are Mothers Day and the child’s birthday. This just creates more pain, grief and angst. Many times the replaying of the scenes in a hospital, or the scene of an accident, just play over and over in the parents mind like a nightmare movie. Everyone will grieve the child’s loss in their own way. Whichever mode of grief people select, it has to be right for them, no matter how much we may disagree.
Regardless of the nature of the death, guilt is usually a prevailing irritant and a block to successful grieving. A child who dies of cancer will have the parents looking for something during pregnancy or what they fed their child to take the blame. Eventually with an effective approach to their grief, a number of these issues will become easier to come to grips with. People back away from their church community, family, friends, even the graveside itself.
All of the material ever written on this subject could never stipulate a one size fits all approach as how to heal with the loss of a child. To understand that this type of death makes no sense, attempting to make sense out of a senseless situation is totally fruitless. It only exacerbates the grief and prolongs it. Seeking a formula or some strategy for grief can be found in support groups where others are putting their life back together to create a new way of functioning, now without their child. This can be accomplished with work, although it will be one roller coaster ride of emotions. As and when you begin your walk of grief on this journey, take in as much intellectual information which will help you deal with the sometimes uncontrollable flood of emotions.
Know that with the right support and people helping you through it you can survive this and move healthily into a new way of living.
Are you aware that there are thousands of articles written on this subject? I am sure that adding one more won’t hurt a bit. One other thing to make sure we address is that I do have the last word on anything, yet we can all benefit by learning more about this topic.
Major depression is a brain disease affecting this organ of the body. It is the headquarters, the think tank and control center which will and can have a direct impact on what we think, emotions we have and then instructing us on what to do. Anyone affected by this can have bitter feelings about that, especially getting into conflict with their loved ones. The blue moods, mood swings and general overall behavior can be difficult to be around them and the first thing we have a tendency to do is to forget to bring empathy to these situations.
Generally a combination of medicine and counseling is needed to work through whatever is helping to create the depression being felt. Being deliberate about taking meds helps to alleviate the tense situations which can arise. Depression can also be a genetic link to other members of their family as well. Some people will choose to mask this and cover it up so as to not let people become aware of their condition, for fear of the labeling and judgmental attitude which can be perpetrated by others.
This is just a quick snapshot of the more intense part of people living with depression. There is so much for all of us to learn to bring more attention to this issue.
Clinical depression is often referred to when thinking, behavior, medicine, continuing mood swings, become part of one’s daily routine. From 10-12 million people\suffer from this and is not something they did to deserve or would choose to have. This is similar to a liver condition or heart condition which can happen for no particular reason. We may refer to this as an illness but is never to be considered a weakness. Ironically it takes a considerable amount of strength to bear up under the pressure of what a depressive illness can bring about. They cannot just “snap out of it” like most people may suggest. A more positive and helpful way to refer to someone is “having depression” as opposed to being depressed. Too many times this can lead to thoughts and feelings of suicide, also eventually “dying” of suicide.
A question to ponder is, why is it that some folks attempt suicide who are going through a very tough life struggle when others who are faced with the same dilemma work their way through it okay? What makes them more able to find a healthier resolve when some can only come up with a plan for dying?
Becoming aware of symptoms, which there are many and too numerous to list, and having a caring attitude can help support the larger percentage of people affected by this condition. We can suggest more proper avenues for treatment and help them move beyond this.
There is a larger approach we all can bring to this subject and that is to release all judgments, becoming more proactive about getting involved. That means to remain calm with a concerned approach, which signals to them that they can confide in you, no matter what. There is a stigma connected with depression that folks will go to the limits to hide this and we have to help make that right for them. Just think if we or a family member of ours had this same condition to have to live with.
John Lennon said it best, “The love you take is equal to the love you make”.
